


Cold Season

by BirdOfHermes



Category: Hellsing
Genre: F/M, Hellsing Ultimate OVA, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Unresolved Sexual Tension, alucard is a fucking troll, crackfic, hellsing abridged, slightly based on the abridged alucard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-30 11:21:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3934912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BirdOfHermes/pseuds/BirdOfHermes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Integra catches a cold and forbids Alucard to be near her as she recovers. Naturally, he doesn't listen. Mostly humor-based, but Alucard/Integra-centric.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cold Season

Walter was on his way to the kitchen when he heard the one thing he never wanted to hear in the Hellsing mansion—an uninvited guest.

Especially a dead one.

The front doors burst open courtesy of the boot of Alucard, who marched in with his usual maniacal grin, his spindly arms wide.

“I’m home,” the vampire boomed, as if expecting someone to reply with joy at the return of the monster-slayer and his flustered apprentice trailing behind him with her rifle propped on one shoulder.

“A-Alucard?” Walter sputtered, the china set on the tray he carried shivering at his movement. “What are you doing back so soon?”

The vampire tipped his hat in the butler’s direction. “Mission accomplished.”

Walter blinked rapidly. “But...how? Master Integra sent you out to kill a horde infesting the countryside. There were reports of over four thousand infected.”

The vampire winked. “Am I not the No-Life King?”

“Alucard-sama, I would never imply such a thing, and you are more than talented, but surely there were other activities for you to perform before returning home.”

Alucard scowled. “Walter.”

“Yes?”

“Why are you stalling me?”

The butler’s posture straightened a touch. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Alucard’s crimson eyes wandered down to the tray Walter held. “Empty teapot. The stench of medicine. Melted ice. A thermometer.”

He snapped his gaze up to the old man’s. “Walter…is my master ill?”

Walter sighed. “I am not at liberty to discuss her health with you.”

He started for the kitchen. Alucard snapped a finger at Seras and then jabbed a thumb at the basement. She nodded and took her cue to leave while he trailed after Walter, still scowling.

“What is it? Is it serious?”

“I am not at liberty to discuss Sir Integra’s health with you,” Walter replied in the same strained tone.

“She wanted me out of the house,” Alucard mumbled, stroking his chin. “Must be rather serious. This isn’t like when she’s menstruating—”

“Alucard!”

“—and you bribe me with fresh victims in other parts of town,” he continued without interruption. “That was quite a mission and you assumed I’d entertain myself on the countryside, giving her more time to recover. Interesting.”

Walter whirled on him, still keeping perfect balance so as not to upset the tea set. “Alucard, you are forbidden from seeing Sir Integra until she has recovered. Her orders. Do you understand?”

The vampire sighed dramatically, adopting a faux-offended expression. “Why, what would cause her to enforce such a rule?”

Walter gritted his teeth. “Do you remember when she had the flu when she was sixteen?”

“What of it?” Alucard sniffed.

“I told you she needed to stay warm. What did you do?”

“Transported her to the Caribbean.”

“In her _pajamas_.”

“She wanted to be warm. I made her warm.”

“Very well. What about when she had a fever when she was eighteen?”

“And?”

“And you brought her the top half of an iceberg and tried to put it in bed with her.”

“It melted.”

“After three weeks!”

“Point being?”

“Alucard, you are not allowed to have anything to do with Sir Integra’s well-being. Please either return to your coffin for the remainder of her illness or leave the mansion.”

He turned on his heel and continued down the hallway, seething, only to be stopped by the vampire’s baritone voice. “Very well.”

Walter eyed Alucard over his shoulder. “Excuse me?”

“If my master wishes me to stay out of her way, I am obliged to do so as her faithful servant.”

He took off his hat, tapping it against his knee to clear it of any dirt, and then adopted a smirk.

“I just have to say goodbye first.”

“ALUCARD!”

Walter found himself shouting at nothing. The vampire had vanished. He heaved another sigh.

“I’ll be fired for this.”

 

* * *

 

 Integra absolutely _hated_ being sick. More than she hated business meetings and signing ledgers and that stupid smug grin Alucard always got when he was working her nerves. She could shoot the wings off a fly from fifty yards away, she could fence, she could fight half a dozen ghouls at once, and yet a simple virus left her all but bereft of life in her own bed. Pathetic. Needy.

The compress on her forehead had already gotten warm by now, so she tossed it on the floor in disgust and rolled onto her side facing the long, wide windows. Moonlight poured onto the carpet. Her fevered mind wandered as she stared at the shadows and wondered how well Alucard’s mission had gone. He’d be delighted to have free time to himself to get up to his usual antics—spooking horses, stalking people just to drive them insane, and gorging himself on unsuspecting women’s blood. Then he’d come loping home like a great gaunt hound of some sort, grinning fiendishly and just daring her to say something about his nefarious actions. He loved to pester her. Sometimes he was less like a vampire and more like an irritating ex-boyfriend who hung around waiting for his chance to ensnare her.

Integra coughed, chuckling to herself. He’d hate it if she called him that, actually. Alucard didn’t believe in relationships, what with being an immortal. He didn’t see the point of commitment or marriage or anything similar. He called it farming, the colossal idiot.

Another harsh cough stung her lungs. She was burning up. She knew she shouldn’t take off her pajamas, but they were already clinging to her sweaty tanned skin and itching like nobody’s business. Walter wouldn’t be back for another half hour, and it wasn’t like the butler hadn’t seen her mostly naked before anyhow. She undid the buttons to her shirt and shimmied out of her pants, dropping both on the floor next to the damp cloth. Mistake. Now she was cold again.

She curled into a little ball with the covers over her shoulders, praying for sleep or death, she didn’t much care which one obliged in her state. Then a cool, smooth hand slid across her forehead and she sighed, mumbling, “Walter?”

“Yes, Sir Integra? How may I serve you?”

“Did you make the tea?” she asked without opening her eyes.

“It is brewing, master.”

“Good. Any word from Alucard?”

Silence. Then, softly, he answered, “All is well.”

“Good. I hope he doesn’t cause too much trouble. He’s so useless without me around. Gets into all kinds of mischief and then gives me those big puppy-dog eyes when I tell him he’s in trouble. Idiot.”

The wondrous cool sensation on her forehead shifted, pushing strands of light blonde hair away from her sticky skin. It felt so nice. She was getting sleepy.

“I’m sure he misses you already, Sir Integra.”

She snorted, hiding a laugh. “How hideous to think so. He’d kill me if he saw me in such a state. Alucard only respects strength, never weakness. It would be easy for him to slip in here and kill me while I’m ill.”

The mattress dipped down under a sudden weight, but the cool fingers on her forehead stayed there. “What makes you think he would do that?”

“Alucard is wild. It’s his nature. He cannot serve me forever. He wants to be freed.”

“And you think he follows you only because he has no choice? Because he is bound to you?”

“Sometimes,” she said rather softly. “Other times, I…”

“You what?”

She frowned. “I think he enjoys it, serving me. But only if our relationship stays the way it is. If I were to show him mercy or compassion, he might turn back into what he used to be when I found him.”

His thumb caressed the bridge of her nose, smoothing between her brows. “I doubt Alucard would like that to happen. Perhaps you underestimate him.”

“Maybe. I guess I’ll find out when I get old if he will tire of me.”

He chuckled. Integra frowned. It sounded wrong. “I doubt it.”

Walter was rarely so talkative. What had gotten into him tonight? She struggled to open her watery eyes. Colors of black, red, and white swirled before her. She couldn’t quite focus.

“Rest,” the soothing voice said. “You must save your strength for another time. How else will I steal your heart if it no longer beats?”

She managed to catch a glimpse of Alucard’s face as he leaned down, his midnight hair brushing the sides of her cheeks, his lips pressing to hers in the briefest of kisses. Her lips tingled as if they’d been temporarily frostbitten, but then the coolness spread and alleviated her fever. She closed her eyes and fell asleep moments later, mumbling her pet vampire’s name.

 

* * *

 

 Integra woke up the next morning far healthier than before. She sat up, put on her glasses, and took one look around the room before screaming, “ALUCAAAAAARD!”

The vampire popped his head through the wall, grinning, “Yes, my master?”

“Why are there sixteen crates of Chinese tea in my bedroom?”

“You said you wanted some tea.”

“GODDAMN IT, ALUCARD!”

“Get well soon, master.”

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> If you've never seen Hellsing Ultimate Abridged by TeamFourStar, please do yourself a favor and watch it. I did base Alucard and Integra's actions on their canon counterparts, but I sprinkled some Abridged!Alucard in there just for funsies. I was basically cackling the whole time I wrote this and because I felt like this tiny ship needs some fun since it's terribly angsty and forbidden.


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